There was ice on my windshield this morning. I wanted to run down the street, feeling the crisp air bite at my cheeks and revel in my joy. Do you ever wake up in a fabulous mood and you’re not really sure why? You can guess, suppose, conjecture, presume but in reality, the only conclusion you can really embrace with any certainty is this – Today, my peace fills me to the brim and spills out onto the canvas of my world.
There is a line in Ender’s Game where Ender tells his sister:
“I’ve lived too long with pain. I won’t know who I am without it.”
Throughout my life, pain has been such an integral part of my identity. I struggled against it for the longest time, continually allowing the sadness break my heart. Eventually, I realized that curling up in the fetal position to protect myself - lamely attempting to protect my soft underbelly - still hurt too much, and so I began to I wrap myself in the pain, using the hardness and scars as a shield. As much as I hate cold weather, there is something about my breath fogging, chaffing my hands together for warmth, the clear blue of the sky and the sun still shining through that makes me curious about life without that safety net.
Alliance of Free Blogs - I found You Know You Wanna while searching for kitty porn. No, that's not a typo.
I have never read someone sum up somhting I too, have felt for a long time. Your writing is thoughful and well done I look forward to your posts.
mags
Comment by magdollna — November 4, 2004 @ 12:10 pm
I’ve never had frost on my windshield. That’s a foreign concept to me — especially since I just got home, and I’m all sweaty and sticky from driving around in the heat with no AC.
Comment by samila — November 4, 2004 @ 12:41 pm
Comment by jenduf — November 4, 2004 @ 4:28 pm
I’m glad you enjoy it (well, I am sorry you had to go through the pain, but thanks for appreciating what I write
), and I am thankful I’ve had a chance to get to know you through your journal.
Comment by jaxia — November 4, 2004 @ 4:41 pm
It *never* gets cold there? It was in the 80s here, earlier this week, but it is finally getting cold. I must go shopping this weekend and get a heavy jacket!
Comment by jaxia — November 4, 2004 @ 4:42 pm
Yes, you do understand. Your email was perfect.
*sigh*
Would an hour really be enough?
Could the rest of my life really be enough?
Baby steps?
I’m working on it.
Comment by jaxia — November 4, 2004 @ 4:44 pm
Now and then, but the most that ever happens is mildly crunchy frosty-dew-grass. And that’s pretty rare.
Comment by samila — November 4, 2004 @ 9:16 pm
Oh wow - I need to move!
I hear you have company coming…
Comment by jaxia — November 5, 2004 @ 9:47 am
I want to bite your icon.
Comment by transientmind — November 5, 2004 @ 2:10 pm