YKYW - Nursing Student Blog

I had never known, never even imagined for a heartbeat, that there might be a place for people like us.
-Denis Johnson, the last line from Jesus’ Son

As most of you know, I am not a morning person. Usually, the mother voice in my head has to do a lot of poking and prodding, threatening and cajoling in order to get me moving in the mornings. This morning, while if I were being watched Sliver-esque style would appear the same, was so totally different from anything that I’ve ever experienced that I feel compelled to write it down.

I lay there, snuggled up warm under the blankets, and dawn came creeping into the room. The coming day teasing my eyelids, I gradually became aware of my own body against someone wonderful. I moved my pillow closer to hers and pressed myself to her, reveling in the simple pleasure of her warm skin on mine. I buried my face in that perfect place between her neck and shoulder, immersing myself in the delicious scent that belongs only to her. The joy of being there with her washed over me and that is when it hit me – “This is where I am supposed to be.” When I am with her, I experience a peacefulness that I have never known before – a sense that the world will find her comfort and the raging storms will find their serenity. I have never felt so…safe. Having found in her the feelings I’ve spent a lifetime searching for, I couldn’t bring myself to spoil the beautiful intimacy - the softly whispered sleepy words of love that I recall now with a secret smile.

Do you remember Herman’s Head? The TV show from the early 90s?

Louise : {to the waiter} And I’ll have a tropical drink with a little umbrella in it. {to all}
Don’t you just love when you take the little umbrella home, you put on a
little doll’s hat and pretend you’re the largest song and dance man?

{Everyone looks at Louise, stunned}

Louise : Oh my God, I’m the only one.

Most of my life, I’ve felt that alone. Not lonely, no, there’s a difference. Alone. Like nobody else in the world “got” me. I don’t feel like that anymore. In my early morning haze, I came to the realization that even if she had never danced in a little doll’s hat with a paper umbrella, she would understand my need to do something the rest of the world would consider strange. There is no doubt in my mind…she would clap and cheer me and even join my silly dance. If that is not perfect, I don’t believe it exists.

I am right where I need to be.

First posted to my LJ on Nov 23, 2004