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6 Responses to “Chester’s Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire”

Comments

1. For a second there, I thought you were talking about my nuts, then I remembered that thankfully the nickname “chester” hasn’t caught on as well as my friend Steve hoped.

   Comment by MaskedFencer — November 29, 2005 @ 5:21 pm

2. St Nick Baby (to Ice Ice Baby)

   All right now…STOP Celebrate and Listen
   St Nick is back with a brand new invention
   Santa has to hold the reigns tightly
   Pulled in his sleigh by his reindeer mighty
   Will it stop at my house Yo! I hope so
   Turn off the lights and see if Rudolph glows

   To the extreme I hung my stocking on the mantle
   Light up the tree with some lights, but no candles

   Rollin, in the reindeer sleigh
   Filled full of toys for the kids to play
   He cares not, if you’re young or old
   But you better be good or you’re gonna get coal

   If you got a problem, you had better solve it
   Cuz if you naughty Santa’s gonna know it

   St Nick Baaaabyyyyyyyy (Put your stocking up there and hang them with care)
   St Nick Baaaabyyyyyyyy (got a sack full of toys for the good girls and boys)

   Word to your Donner

   Comment by Briani — December 4, 2005 @ 10:16 am

3. Santa (to Kid Rock’s Cowboy) chorus only

   And I’m heading down south to deliver them toys, baby
   My sleighs a drop top and the reindeer’s are runnin’
   I’m Santa baby
   North Pole chilling with some Egg nog
   You wanna see the St Nick, baby?
   Better be good is you wanna full stocking
   Kringle baby,
   I can smell milk and cookies a mile away!!!

   Comment by Briani — December 4, 2005 @ 10:23 am

4. Not an original by me, but still funny. And appropriate considering the booby prize points

   Dear Santa, You Know What A Girl Really Wants This Christmas?
   Oh Santa Won’t You Bring Me Some Boobies?
   I Want A Grown Up Present Too.
   Daddy Wants A Hair Piece; Grandma Wants Some False Teeth…
   I Want Two Great Big Boobs!!!
   Santa Won’t You Bring Me Some Boobies?
   On The Second Day Of Christmas Send To Me…
   Two Jugs A Jiggling, One Rack A Wiggling
   Double D’s In A Red Teddy.
   Santa Won’t You Bring Me Some Boobies?
   I Will Kiss You Beneath The Mistletoe.
   You Can Make My Christmas Better
   Put Some Melons In My Sweater.
   Won’t You Stuff My Bra With Silicone.
   Santa Won’t You Bring Me Some Boobies?
   I’ll Be The Envy Of Every Girl In Town
   Men Will Swarm Around Like Flies, Never Look Me In The Eyes.
   They’ll Only See Those Peaks So Big And Round.
   Oh Santa I Hope You Will Really Grant Me This Wish.
   I Wish You A Merry Chrsitmas And A Happy Boob Year

   Comment by Briani — December 4, 2005 @ 10:29 am

5. Another funny one, and not written by me

   The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen – (to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

   The Restroom Door Said “Gentlemen” So I Just Walked Inside,
   I Took Two Steps And Realized I’d Been Taken For A Ride.
   I Heard High Voices, Turned And Found The Place Was Occupied
   By Three Nuns, Two Old Ladies And A Nurse.
   What Could Be Worse,
   Than Three Nuns, Two Old Ladies And A Nurse?
   The Restroom Door Said “Gentlemen,” It Must Have Been A Gag.
   As Soon As I Did Walk Therein, I Ran Into Some Old Hag.
   She Sprayed Me With A Can Of Mace And Hit Me With Her Bag.
   It Just Wasn’t Cut Out To Be My Day.
   What Can I Say?
   It Just Wasn’t Cut Out To Be My Day!
   The Restroom Door Said “Gentlemen” And I Would Like To Find,
   The Crummy Little Creep Who Had The Nerve To Switch The Sign.
   Because I’ve Got Two Black Eyes And One High Heel Up My Behind.
   Now I’ll Never Sit In Comfort Or Joy.
   Boy Oh Boy!
   Now I’ll Never Sit In Comfort Or Joy

   Comment by Briani — December 4, 2005 @ 10:34 am

6. “Natural Boobies” (to the tune of “Hallelujah Chorus” gy G. F. Handel) - I’m going straight to hell for this one, I fear. It’s funnier if you know the orchestration of the original.

   (chorus)
   Lots… of boobies!
   Lots… of boobies!
   Lots of boobies! Lots of boobies! Lots ooooof boobies!

   (repeat)

   (tenors)
   For the Lord God has made the boooooobies

   (alto and soprano repeat chorus)

   (bass)
   For the Lord God has made the booooobies

   (alto and soprano repeat chorus)

   (tenor and bass repeat while soprano and alto repeat their parts)

   (bass)
   He made them big and small…
   (tenor joins)
   He made them big and small… and they’re all good! And they’re all good!

   (tenor)
   The best ones are the natural boo-oo-bies…

   (bass)
   The best ones are the natural boo-oo-bies…

   (alto)
   The best ones are the natural boo-oo-bies…

   (soprano)
   The best ones are the natural boo-oo-bies!

   (bass)
   Natural…

   (tenor)
   No boob jobs! No boob jobs!

   (bass)
   Natural…

   (tenor)
   No boob jobs! No boob jobs!

   (repeat twice more, raising pitch each time)

   … and so on, and so forth. The piece just repeats different sections over and over, although they’re put together magnificently, so you just substitute in my doggerel for the appropriate part of the song. I’m going to have trouble getting through this year’s “Messiah Singalong” without cracking up now, I fear.

   Comment by Michael — December 5, 2005 @ 10:00 am

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