In this nursing program, passing requires a 78 minimum average. If you fail one class, you have to repeat every class in the entire semester. Going into my final this morning, I knew I was barely passing my lecture class.
As I sat down in front of the computer, I tried to give myself a pep talk: You just need to pass this test. You can do it. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and started the test.
And had no clue what the first 10 questions were even talking about.
After going through all the questions at least twice, I was ready to finish the test. Hovering over the ’submit’ button, afraid to know my results, I tried to prepare myself for whatever might happen. Steeling my resolve, I hit the button.
70
I don’t think I can even tell you a portion of the things that went through my mind as I saw that failing grade come up on the screen. I disappointed everyone who believed in me and I was ashamed to have let them down. What’s wrong with me and why am I such a failure? Could I really do this entire semester all over again?
Still in shock, I spoke to my teacher about the readmission process. My friend was waiting for me in the hall. ‘How’d you do?’
‘Not good,’ as I slowly shook my head and headed down the hallway.
‘Are you still in the program?’ she asked, worry clouding her voice.
‘Nope. I failed. Bad.’
She was silent, then, not knowing what to say to comfort me.
After a moment, ‘Are you sure?’
‘Pretty sure,’ but I dug out my phone to use the calculator. ‘I can’t even remember my grades; I just remember my average!’ as the frustration starts to creep over me.
‘Just multiply it by 4.’
‘Oh, right.’ *4)+70))/5
I lean heavily against the wall, trying to find the courage to look at the answer.
77.8
Turning to my friend, I whisper, ‘77.8?’ Then there’s a slight pause because I can’t find my voice and I literally collapse onto the floor. ‘That’s passing, right?’
‘Yes! Are you sure?’ She pulls out an adding machine (yes, she carries and adding machine with her; I have no idea why) and we’re both doing the math.
It’s right! I made it!
In the end, it wasn’t that close after all. There were a few test questions tossed out of this test and the last test, so I wound up with plenty of cushion. Even knowing that, while trying to write this, attempting to recapture the horrible feelings from this morning, I feel nauseous. That walk down the hallway, with dismay weighing so heavy on my soul, was the longest 10 steps of my life.
I almost didn’t write about my morning; I could just say I passed, and nobody would know that I came so close to failing. But, I’m not perfect, and this is a difficult journey.
I’m just glad I’m still on it.
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