YKYW - Nursing Student Blog

I didn’t write this, but I wish I had.

All up and down my street I can smell stuffing and spices. It’s quiet outside, and very still. There’s little traffic today. The air is warm but autumnal. This little warmth is a grace note between one measure and the next. Winter hasn’t come yet, but it’s on its way. This is the last of the harvest time. A time to let ourselves be filled and renewed.

Grace.

What an odd thing.

We speak of “saying grace,” of being “full of grace.” Dancers have it, poor losers don’t. It can be both mercy and charm. To be full of grace can mean to have the indulgence of God, to be sanctified and elevated through some mysterious and luminous inner quality. It can also mean simple thoughtfulness. It is the wedding of mercy and wisdom. It is care. We practice it when we are charitable to others. We experience it in our lives in moments of clarity and understanding; when a kindness is done to us undeservingly, or when, after an undeserved ill turn, we find acceptance after all. Forgiveness? Surely that.

All I have sought this year is grace. The grace to accept change and responsibility. The grace to let things pass from me that need to pass, let things die when it is time for them to die. Where I have done wrong, and I have done it, I have prayed for the grace to make amends, but I am not graceful. I have prayed for the deeper grace of understanding, and been answered with more questions than I know how to ask. I have harrowed the dead soil of my heart with only the good graces of others to sustain me.

In the end, it is not something I can hold, but only something that comes to me, passes through me, a state of existence. I have dug deeply into myself, given of myself, hoping to find it, and found that it isn’t something I can keep by holding it. Only by giving it away.

If we reap what we sow, I have sowed better seed than I believed I possessed, for I’ve reaped the rewards of better friendship than I deserve. My friends, my family, they are whatever grace I possess, and I am sorry I don’t often have the words to say it with all the grace it deserves.

But I am grateful for it.

For all of you, I wish comfort. To those returning to family, and to those separated from it. To those who will be gathering in, and to those who have nowhere to gather.

For everyone nursing new lives, new projects, new loves through the shadowy part of the year, I wish banked hearth-fires and tight bonds. Cherishing what we have doesn’t make it last one whit longer, but awareness of it is a rare gift. That’s grace, too. Allow it.

For those mourning loss, separation, or absence, I wish you comfort and peace. That which dies feeds new life. We cannot pass through such holocausts unchanged, but we can trust that the raw and burnt bones of our inner landscape will, someday, be clothed once again in new green. One of the mysteries of grace is that it is true regeneration.

A few of you have, over the past year or two, become more dear to me than my own hands, or the work of my hands, and when it comes to saying it I’m as dumb as any beast in the field. But I’m saying it now. Thank you. I have so little to give back, so little to weigh against so much gratitude and hope. So little to give back in return for what you give me.

Even to those of you I don’t know: you are the reason I speak into the dark. This is the only way I will ever meet so many of you, but I am glad to have found you here.

When I think about it, it’s profound. This is all the time you will ever have, and yet you choose to spend a little of it with me.

A well-known fact of grace is that at times it comes even to the undeserving. Thank you for that.

by naamah_darling

In an effort to take better care of myself, I’ve been trying to drink more water. How in the world does anyone drink 64oz of water on a normal day (one where they are not sweating like crazy)? All this water makes me feel … odd. And how am I supposed to EAT if I have so much water in my tummy?

I just don’t drink enough fluids, period, I guess.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I went to the cardiologist yesterday, and the diagnosis?

I’m skinny.

The doctor said I have a slender chest cavity, so things are more spread out. He ordered an EKG and echocardiogram just to make sure everything is okay. I have partial right bundle blockage, but it is fairly common and nothing to be concerned with. I have to go back next week for the echocardiogram.

I really liked the doctor. He was sure to include SK in his discussions, and even asked if we were married. (Which of course led to jokes about Texas…) If anyone needs a cardiologist in Denton, I can give you the name of a good one!

- I’m finally starting to get over my bronchitis

- SK was diagnosed with bilateral pneumonia and is now on the mend

- I have a job interview tomorrow

- I have a cardiologist appointment next week because something is wonky with my heart

- Grey’s Anatomy starts up again tonight!

- Oh no, it’s up against CSI. I didn’t realize I’d have to give up CSI. Luckily, I can catch it in reruns on Spike TV since it is on a bazillion times a day

- Six Degrees looks like an interesting show, but it’s up against The Ultimate Fighter 4, so none for me, thanks

- Classes are going great and I have 3 tests next week

- Men’s shaving cream was not meant to be used on my bikini line

If you are looking for something special to do for National Breast Cancer Awareness Month this October, consider this beautiful piece from Storypeople. It’s called “Lifetime”. Here are the words:

We’re here to end it,
I said & she said, No,
we’re here to begin it
& then she turned &
opened her arms
& everywhere I could see,
there were people,
like bright birds, calling
with a thousand voices

& suddenly I understood.
Here is where it begins.
With all of us, together
giving our daughters
a world worth loving
for a lifetime to come.

From the site: All profits from the sale of this print, both here on the site & at our gallery partners worldwide, will go to fund breast cancer research for as long as it takes to find the Cure.

Be sure to check out his other stuff. It’s amazing!

Well, the anatomy test over the endocrine system didn’t get moved after all, so it will still be on Monday. I guess we all know how I’ll be spending the next few days.

SK and I are still feeling cruddy. I hate allergies. Dang coughing, sneezing, sore throat, stuffy head … oh wait. That sounds like a commercial, doesn’t it?

I am now officially an eBay seller. I sold a couple of textbooks that the campus bookstore didn’t seem to be interested in buying. Two of the books didn’t sell for much, but I almost made my money back on another one, so that was a nice surprise.

That’s about it. Isn’t life exciting?

I spent a few days with my family in Houston last week, and so I missed the first edition of Change of Shift.  This is a new nursing blog carnival and looks to be a great way for nurses around the world to share stories.  By encouraging submission from medical, nursing and patient viewpoints, Change of Shift really succeeds in presenting a varied and lively perspective on nursing!

Were you beginning to wonder if I was stuck under a pile of textbooks?  Have no fear; SK dug me out after I finished my final on Thursday.

Our trip to Atlanta was wonderful and relaxing.  I really enjoyed being able to share some of my childhood memories from Helen, Georgia with SK.  We even made the trek up to Anna Ruby Falls.  Ah, I love waterfalls!  We also spent a day out at Stone Mountain.  I didn’t know what to expect, but I enjoyed it.  Personally, I like to read historical markers, and Stone Mountain was chock full of them!  We took the Sky Cab up to the top of the mountain and found a spot to sit down.  The hawks were circling nearby, and we had to look down through the clouds to see the tree tops.  There aren’t many experiences that can compare to that.

I haven’t been feeling so hot for the last week and a half or so.  I think I caught the creepy crud.  Coughing, sneezing, stuffy nose and all that fun stuff.  I swallow pills every few minutes and drink enough Airborne to keep a whole union employed.  I’m ready to feel better.  Now.  kplzthx.

If things look a little wonky around here, I’m moving all my sites to a new server again.  I think there were a couple of new comments posted on the old site after I copied the database, so if you noticed your comment missing, I apologize. But, if you are reading this, then you’ve found me!  Things should be back to normal soon.

Pauly’s starting a lot of trends around the blog-o-sphere right now, and this is my attempt to rip off one of his ideas:  The 10-minute update!

I’ve been really bad about updating lately because I keep getting behind on my entries.  Something new happens, and I think to myself “I cannot blog that until I blogged what happened three days ago.”

So, here’s ten minutes:

I’m so thrilled about SK’s good news.  She called to tell me about it as I was rushing around, getting ready to leave for school.  While I was excited, it didn’t really hit me until I was on my way home that afternoon.  I was listening to the radio, and heard a commercial for The 3 Day.  As it ended, I had goose bumps on my arms and a lump in my throat.  The next song on the radio?  Live Like You Were Dying, by Tim McGraw.

I started crying.  And I’m not talking about the ’single tear running down my face’ kind of crying either.  I’m talking about the ‘gut-wrenching, stomach in knots, can’t see to drive’ kind of crying.  I finally pulled over and cried away all the worry and fear that had been building up since last October.

See, when I told the story about how I met SK, I didn’t mention that I later found out part of her reluctance to go to the concert with me was that it was her first day on chemo.  When she didn’t have a drink at dinner, I didn’t really think anything of it.

The next day, as we sat in her living room, she explained to me that she was on chemo, and I learned about leukemia.

As the final tears slid down my cheeks, I picked my head up off my steering wheel and sensed that taste of fear leave the back of my throat.  It sounds like such a cliché, but I swear that a 500 pound weight had just been lifted off my chest.  I took my first full breath in 15 months.

A few months ago, I wrote about “The Best Word” that had a not so great modifier - “partial.”

Now, the words are great all the way around - COMPLETE REMISSION!

Guess who’s partying it up in celebration? 

I started to write something really sappy, and it just got too cheesy.  Sometimes, there is a measure of beauty in simplicity.