YKYW - Nursing Student Blog

I didn’t write this, but I wish I had.

All up and down my street I can smell stuffing and spices. It’s quiet outside, and very still. There’s little traffic today. The air is warm but autumnal. This little warmth is a grace note between one measure and the next. Winter hasn’t come yet, but it’s on its way. This is the last of the harvest time. A time to let ourselves be filled and renewed.

Grace.

What an odd thing.

We speak of “saying grace,” of being “full of grace.” Dancers have it, poor losers don’t. It can be both mercy and charm. To be full of grace can mean to have the indulgence of God, to be sanctified and elevated through some mysterious and luminous inner quality. It can also mean simple thoughtfulness. It is the wedding of mercy and wisdom. It is care. We practice it when we are charitable to others. We experience it in our lives in moments of clarity and understanding; when a kindness is done to us undeservingly, or when, after an undeserved ill turn, we find acceptance after all. Forgiveness? Surely that.

All I have sought this year is grace. The grace to accept change and responsibility. The grace to let things pass from me that need to pass, let things die when it is time for them to die. Where I have done wrong, and I have done it, I have prayed for the grace to make amends, but I am not graceful. I have prayed for the deeper grace of understanding, and been answered with more questions than I know how to ask. I have harrowed the dead soil of my heart with only the good graces of others to sustain me.

In the end, it is not something I can hold, but only something that comes to me, passes through me, a state of existence. I have dug deeply into myself, given of myself, hoping to find it, and found that it isn’t something I can keep by holding it. Only by giving it away.

If we reap what we sow, I have sowed better seed than I believed I possessed, for I’ve reaped the rewards of better friendship than I deserve. My friends, my family, they are whatever grace I possess, and I am sorry I don’t often have the words to say it with all the grace it deserves.

But I am grateful for it.

For all of you, I wish comfort. To those returning to family, and to those separated from it. To those who will be gathering in, and to those who have nowhere to gather.

For everyone nursing new lives, new projects, new loves through the shadowy part of the year, I wish banked hearth-fires and tight bonds. Cherishing what we have doesn’t make it last one whit longer, but awareness of it is a rare gift. That’s grace, too. Allow it.

For those mourning loss, separation, or absence, I wish you comfort and peace. That which dies feeds new life. We cannot pass through such holocausts unchanged, but we can trust that the raw and burnt bones of our inner landscape will, someday, be clothed once again in new green. One of the mysteries of grace is that it is true regeneration.

A few of you have, over the past year or two, become more dear to me than my own hands, or the work of my hands, and when it comes to saying it I’m as dumb as any beast in the field. But I’m saying it now. Thank you. I have so little to give back, so little to weigh against so much gratitude and hope. So little to give back in return for what you give me.

Even to those of you I don’t know: you are the reason I speak into the dark. This is the only way I will ever meet so many of you, but I am glad to have found you here.

When I think about it, it’s profound. This is all the time you will ever have, and yet you choose to spend a little of it with me.

A well-known fact of grace is that at times it comes even to the undeserving. Thank you for that.

by naamah_darling

I heard the first Christmas song of the year on the radio today. Isn’t it a little early for that? I’m still in shock that Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

Oy.

From the first day I met SK, I was amazed by her compassion and kindness. I kept trying to peek behind the curtain, because I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that genuine. As much as I am ashamed to admit it, I was skeptical in the beginning because I thought that people just weren’t that kind without ulterior motives. Somehow, she managed to get through to me, and I saw the truth represented not only in her words, but in her actions as well.

Eventually, I met SK’s family. I finally understood how she came to be this way. She is surrounded by people who embody generosity and grace. As I’ve mentioned before, her family created such an amazing tradition of service that it was recognized when a school was named after her grandparents.

On Tuesday, SK’s grandfather passed away. I wish I could have known him better, but his legacy continues in the thoughtfulness of his family and all the lives he touched. He was a great man, and will be missed.

SK and I went to Houston this weekend and spent some time with my nephews. They are getting so big! The youngest one will be 4 in a few days, and the oldest will be 5 in December. The birthday boy loves to go to the bowling alley, so that was our first stop. It was only the third time I’d ever been bowling, and SK’s only been a handful of times. I had a lot more fun that I thought I would! With a few strikes and spares each, we managed to get a few decent scores (although I’m sure they would have been lower if we bowled without the bumpers!). It was a quick trip, but it was nice to see them.

Thanks for all the well-wishes about my anatomy and physiology midterm. I’m pretty happy with how well I scored. I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped on my second test in statistics, but I still have a high B in there. There’s still hope! I can earn extra credit in government if I spend eight hours helping a political campaign. I need to make some phone calls to see what options are available.

As for nursing school, still no letter. I did confirm that they have the right address on file, so who knows where it went. There is probably a warm bird’s nest with lovely new wallpaper that reads ‘accepted’ or ‘rejected.’ The admissions office said that there are several people who did not get their letter yet, and now I have to wait until Nov 4th. If I still don’t have my letter by Nov 4th, they will tell me my status if I go into the office.

On the geeky side of things, Firefox has made their latest release public (Firefox 2 Release Candidate 3). I still need to install IE7. I updated my forums again. Several of you mentioned problems with the other ones — These should work much better. Check em out!

I just wanted to take a quick second and thank everyone for their warm wishes. While several people who are trying to get into the same nursing program got their letters on Friday, I’m still waiting on mine. I called the school, and they told me to keep waiting. They won’t tell me anything over the phone until October 26th.

It’s hard to concentrate on my midterms because I’m so anxious about this dad gum letter. Luckily, SK is pretty good at keeping my mind where it should be.

Nursing school acceptance letters were supposed to be mailed no later than today. I’m a nervous wreck.

**update** They were mailed today. So, I should know something tomorrow or Saturday! Ahhh!

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I went to the cardiologist yesterday, and the diagnosis?

I’m skinny.

The doctor said I have a slender chest cavity, so things are more spread out. He ordered an EKG and echocardiogram just to make sure everything is okay. I have partial right bundle blockage, but it is fairly common and nothing to be concerned with. I have to go back next week for the echocardiogram.

I really liked the doctor. He was sure to include SK in his discussions, and even asked if we were married. (Which of course led to jokes about Texas…) If anyone needs a cardiologist in Denton, I can give you the name of a good one!

If you are looking for something special to do for National Breast Cancer Awareness Month this October, consider this beautiful piece from Storypeople. It’s called “Lifetime”. Here are the words:

We’re here to end it,
I said & she said, No,
we’re here to begin it
& then she turned &
opened her arms
& everywhere I could see,
there were people,
like bright birds, calling
with a thousand voices

& suddenly I understood.
Here is where it begins.
With all of us, together
giving our daughters
a world worth loving
for a lifetime to come.

From the site: All profits from the sale of this print, both here on the site & at our gallery partners worldwide, will go to fund breast cancer research for as long as it takes to find the Cure.

Be sure to check out his other stuff. It’s amazing!

I tried several times to write something to sum up how I felt five years ago, but I cannot find the words. Gene’s touching and thought-provoking Five Years After 9/11 is better than anything I could write.

What’s more, exercising our rights to free speech and a free press are now considered aiding and abetting the terrorists who hit us on 9/11 and would like to again. Pointing out the disastrous handling of the Iraq war and the lies that led up to it is encouraging the terrorists. Demanding that we come up with a plan to resolve the situation in Iraq, or that we not rush headlong into a war with Iran, is “appeasement”, the crime committed by Chamberlain when he met with Hitler in Munich.

The fact that so many Americans think we should meekly surrender so many of our rights in the name of “security” is a absolute disgrace, and when this chapter in our nation’s history is written we will have much to be ashamed of. The fact that the Bush Administration chose again and again to ignore the Constitution and go with with the lazy, easy, and venal path is to be expected, given their track record. But the fact that so many Americans think that the best way to be “safe” is to hand over power to the government and hope they’ll take care of us is profoundly disturbing.

Be sure to read the whole thing. I still have goosebumps.

Well, the anatomy test over the endocrine system didn’t get moved after all, so it will still be on Monday. I guess we all know how I’ll be spending the next few days.

SK and I are still feeling cruddy. I hate allergies. Dang coughing, sneezing, sore throat, stuffy head … oh wait. That sounds like a commercial, doesn’t it?

I am now officially an eBay seller. I sold a couple of textbooks that the campus bookstore didn’t seem to be interested in buying. Two of the books didn’t sell for much, but I almost made my money back on another one, so that was a nice surprise.

That’s about it. Isn’t life exciting?